A Broken Vessel

Insight, inspiration, peace, joy...

I picked up my Bible and devotional book Jesus Calling for the first time in days (maybe even a week). I had been so busy with the Christmas holiday, family, and friends, that I felt that I didn't have time. Such a horrible decision on my part. If I had time for all of those things, surely I had time for God.

I was feeling discouraged yet again. There was just so much going on in my life, so much I was thinking about and wanting to do, but I felt like I couldn't do any of it, that nothing great could ever come out of me. I was so fed up of trying to get stuff done, but not progressing, and I was just ready to go back to school and start my semester back up and see my Covenant family.

But last night, I realized that I wasn't ready. Not spiritually or mentally. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without feeling inadequate. I felt like I wasn't good enough, that I would never be good enough. Well, last night, I realized that I was right. I wasn't good enough and I never would be. 

But GOD is good enough, and He ALWAYS will be.

I read like 3 devos because I don't know why. But I did as soon as I read them...I needed to read them. I had to hear what God had for me. Can't help but write out exactly what they said!

Jesus Calling, December 27

I AM PREPARING YOU for what is on the road ahead, just around the bend. Take time to be still in My Presence so that i can strengthen you. The busier you become, the more you need this time apart with Me. So many people think that time spent with me is a luxury they cannot afford. As a result, they live and work in their won strength--until that becomes depleted. Then they either cry out to Me for help or turn away in bitterness.

How much better it is to walk close to Me, depending on My strength and trusting me in every situation. If you live in this way, you will do less but accomplish far more. Your unhurried pace of living will stand out in this rush-crazed age. Some people may deem you lazy, but many more will be blessed by your peacefulness. Walk in the Light with Me, and you will reflect Me to the watching world.

WOW. Totally needed it. I mean, this devo covered time apart from God...yeah, that would relate to me. And the result of it: living and working in my own strength until it becomes depleted...no wonder I was so discouraged and felt so inadequate!

And yes...it is WAY BETTER to walk closer to Jesus, depending on Him and trusting Him with everything. 

Jesus Calling, December 29

TRUST ME with every fiber of your being! What I can accomplish in and through you is proportional to how much you depend on Me. One aspect of this is the degree to which you trust Me in a crisis or major decision. Some people fail miserably here, while others are at their best in tough times. Another aspect is even more telling: the constancy of your trust in Me. people who rely on Me in the midst of adversity may forget about me when life is flowing smoothly. Difficult times can jolt you into awareness of your need for Me, whereas smooth sailing can lull you into the stupor of self-sufficiency.

I care as much about your tiny trust-steps through daily life as about your dramatic leaps of faith. You may think that no one notices, but the One who is always beside you sees everything--and rejoices. Consistently trusting in Me is vital to flourishing in My Presence.

Ah. Peace is just sown through this devotional! I needed to hear God speak to me more than anything. And as soon as I read these devos and read my Bible, I felt the need to continue. I was so thirsty for God's truth! I needed to trust Him with every fiber of my being, because trusting in myself was obviously discouraging me!

I love this line: "What I can accomplish in and through you is proportional to how much you depend on Me." Wow. That's definitely encouraging and a total "duh!" moment for me. I hadn't been trusting God with my life at all. I was trying to get by on my own strength.

It's amazing how God continually teaches you the same lessons over and over again, even after you think you've got it all figured out. But it's also amazing how He does it graciously and with love.

Those comparisons I had run through my head, those worries about my future, those feelings of inadequacy I had all halted as I read this last devo I'll share with y'all:

Jesus Calling, December 30

I AM LEADING YOU along a way that is uniquely right for you. The closer to Me you grow, the more fully you become your true self--the one I designed you to be. Because you are one of a kind, the path you are traveling with Me diverges increasingly from that of other people. However, in My mysterious wisdom and ways, I enable you to follow this solitary path while staying in close contact with others. In fact, the more completely you devote yourself to Me, the more freely you can love people.

Marvel at the beauty of a life intertwined with My Presence. Rejoice as we journey together in intimate communion. Enjoy the adventure of finding yourself through losing yourself in Me.

Such. Encouragement.

God is leading me along a way that is "uniquely right" for me! God will lead me on a certain path that is right for me, but will keep me in contact with others sort of on my path.

I need to "MARVEL at the beauty of a life intertwined with God's Presence."

"REJOICE as God and I journey together in intimate communion."

"ENJOY the adventure of finding myself through losing myself in God."

THIS IS INSANELY AMAZING!!!!

I was just so encouraged by God's Word last night. Not only was I encouraged, but God opened my eyes and inspired me with ideas that I knew could not have come from my own, fallen mind. God is so faithful, and He truly cares about our lives, even the small things.

2 Corinthians 4:7 says, "We have this treasure from God, but we are like clay jars that hold the treasure. this shows that the great power is from God, not from us." (NCV)

This verse just inspired me so much. Like I said, my eyes were OPENED. I am a jar of clay, a broken vessel, that can do nothing but hold the "treasure," what God has planned for my life. I am unable to show His Light to this world unless He is in me and I have complete trust in Him.

AMAZING LINE in this devo: "Enjoy the adventure of finding yourself through losing yourself in Me." That's what I was so frustrated about. I couldn't find myself. I mean, I knew who I was. I knew I was a child of God. But who else was I? Was I really a writer? Was I really a musician? How could I be when I had nothing to show for it? I mean i could play and write just fine, but there were no solid accomplishments.

I have to lose myself in Jesus before I can find who I truly am. OH MY WORD SUCH AMAZING WORDS! Peace is just overcoming my heart!

As a new year approaches, I pray that my heart is continually in the right place as I seek God's Face and His Will for my life. I've said that phrase several times ("I pray that my heart is in continually in the right place as I seek God's Face...") on Facebook, Instagram, and now on this blog. But it's because I mean it. I am truly praying and continually yearning that my heart is in the right place and that God's Face will be sough out by me, wholeheartedly. And He has already revealed some amazing things to me, things that I am so excited to work on and grow in this year!

New Year's Day is in some hours. But who says it has to be a new year to start living all over again? Happy New Year! Love y'all and God bless y'all! (^^) <3

Merry Christmas!!! (^^)

WOW. Like, 15 minutes until CHRISTMAS DAY! \(^^)/

I love Christmas time! This year, though, the usual Christmas spirit that I feel around this time just wasn't there. I think it was because it was my first time not being at my home during this time. Instead, I was at college, studying my butt off to pass all of my classes and not worrying about the ornaments on the tree or seeing what gifts I had under the tree. Even today, CHRISTMAS EVE, I couldn't feel the huge rush and excitement of it being Christmas time...

Until now. I'm about to go to bed, but I'm listening to Family Force 5's Christmas album and writing this blog. My family's waking up at like 5am (or rather, my sister and I will be waking the entire house up at 5am) to start opening presents!

But even though I'm super excited about the presents as usual, I now feel the gratefulness of things that are non-material: family, friendships, home-away-from-home relationships, and of course, my relationship with Jesus Christ. Tomorrow reminds me of the day when He decided to enter our fallen world to save us.

So amazing.

Thank You, Jesus, for coming to this earth to die for us and save us. That is truly the best gift of all.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO Y'ALL! GOD BLESS THE TIME YOU HAVE WITH YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS! (^^) #bringontheJOY Thank God for all you have now and will receive! LOVE YOU ALL!

Weakness, Strength, and Knowing Who to Lean On

Mood: ENCOURAGED.

Yesterday was such a day of encouragement, despite something that happened on the California side of my family. My cousin was injured at a construction site while he was working. A 3-ton beam fell on him, crushing his right leg and left ankle. He was in surgery for a while, but thankfully there is no fear of paralysis and the beam only hit his legs and not his head.

Even though he'll be in a wheelchair for 7 months and going through some MAJOR recovery, it's encouraging to know that God was with Him and had mercy on him. The beam could have easily killed him, but God was gracious and spared him.

I was still struggling with writing my current song yesterday. I was trying to remind myself that it would come in God's timing. That even if I wasn't meant to write songs and become a musician, God would reveal His plan to me, a plan that is perfect for my life, that He planned before I was born.

Listening to Britt Nicole's Gold album really helped me out again yesterday, and when I read my devotions last night...well...my  mind was blown. 

From Jesus Calling, December 21

My plan for your life is unfolding before you. Sometimes the road you are traveling seems blocked, or it opens up so painfully slowly that you must hold yourself back. Then, when time is right, the way before you suddenly clears--through no effort of your own. What you have longed for and worked for I present to you freely, as pure gift. You feel awed by the ease with which I operate in the world, and you glimpse MY POWER AND MY GLORY.

Do not fear your weakness, for it is the stage on which My Power and Glory perform most brilliantly. As you persevere along the path I have prepared for you, depending on My strength to sustain you, expect to see miracles--and you will. Miracles are not always visible to the naked eye, but those who LIVE BY FAITH can see them clearly. LIVING BY FAITH, RATHER THAN SIGHT, enables you to see My Glory.

Like I said...MIND. BLOWN. 

Because God is amazing. He gives you the EXACT encouragement we need, EXACTLY when we need it. I was holding myself back because it seemed like God's plan was slowly opening up. But it will open up...THROUGH NO EFFORT OF MINE! "What you have longed for and worked for I present to you freely, as pure gift." *SCREAMS!* Are you serious?! "...you glimpse My Power and My Glory." You bet I will! Because God's Glory and Power is the only thing that will be able to help me recognize the plan He has for me. I will see His Hand in it all!

This right here MESSED ME UP (in a good way, mind you): "Do not fear your weakness, for it is the stage on which My Power and Glory perform most brilliantly." SAY WHAT?! I read that sentence over and over again last night. Because I definitely was fearing my own weakness. I felt weak, knew I was weak. I was wallowing in the fact that I was weak, that I couldn't come up with lyrics and tunes right away, that it seemed as if I was the only person who aspired to be a musician but was struggling. 

But I didn't remember that in my weakness, HE IS STRONG. 

Even the sentence after that messed me up! "As you persevere along the path I have prepared for you, depending on My strength to sustain you, expect to see miracle--and you will." OH MY GOSH. 

I love how it says "depending on My strength to sustain you..." My dreams are not going to be reality if I depend on myself. Obviously, I've been focusing and depending on my weakness. How could I when the God of the universe is there for me to lean on? 

"Miracles are not always visible to the naked eye, but those who live by faith can see them clearly. Living by faith, rather than sight, enables you to see My Glory." 

"We live by what we believe, not by what we can see." - 2 Corinthians 5:7 (NCV)

FAITH. A word that I had not really been living by for the past few weeks, if I were honest with myself. Sure, I may've had faith...but it was faith in myself. No wonder my self-esteem was low and I was tearing myself and my dreams down. Having faith in myself was setting me up for failure. Because I'm broken and fallen and sinful. Having faith in Jesus, though? Putting all of my worries, struggles, and burdens on this precious Lamb who died for my sins and then rose again and is in Heaven with the Father right now, looking at me, smiling upon me, opening His arms out to me and saying, "Come here, dear, and rest. I'm here for you. I love you."? Shoot. 

I am in awe of His presence.

Even as I type this, my flesh is writhing. It wants me to struggle, flail, break down, cry, give up, and depend on myself. Even as I type this, I feel my stomach kind of caving in. My eyes are trying to make way for tears. And I have to take deep breaths to calm myself down.

But after reading this devotion last night, I am encouraged. I realize what I need to do. I need to realize that I am WEAK. But in my weakness, my God is strong, making me strong as well.

"My body and my mind may become weak, but God is my strength. He is mine forever." - Psalm 73:26

Oh my gosh, 2 Corinthians 12:5-9 is just perfect for this. Paul is writing in the beginning of the chapter about a man he knew that was taken to heaven. He wonders if the man was in body or spirit, but he knows that the God knows. Paul explains that he will brag about a man like that, but he wouldn't brag about himself like that.

5 I will brag about a man like that, but I will not brag about myself, except about my weaknesses.6 But if I wanted to brag about myself, I would not be a fool, because I would be telling the truth. But I will not brag about myself. i do not want people to think more of me than what they see me do or hear me say.
7 So that I would not become too proud of the wonderful things that were shown to me, a painful physical problem was given to me. This problem was a messenger from Satan, sent to beat me and keep me from being to proud. 8 I begged the Lord three times to take this problem away from me. 9 But he said to me, "My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you." So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles, for Christ. Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong.

...Is it safe to say that I know EXACTLY what Paul is talking about here? Here he talks about a physical problem that he is dealing with, that he's begging God to take away. Thankfully, I am not dealing with a physical problem. I have friends and family members who have physical problems, and I wonder how they get through it, how they're sustained. Jesus is how. They rely on Jesus when their knees hurt, when their head pain is unbearable and they can't get to sleep, when their arm feels like it's about to give out, when their legs have been crushed and they have to go through months of recovery. It encourages me to see them rely on Him like that. :)

My problem, however, is not physical. Rather, it deals with my heart. I'm asking God to take away my weakness of thinking that I'm not good enough, of not being able to write the things I want to write about, of not being able to touch people's hearts the way I want to for His glory. I want to have faith in Him, to trust Him and depend on Him for everything in my life, especially  my hopes and dreams. God knows, I have SO MANY. :)

So, yes, I need to learn to admit that I am weak. But I also need to learn to BRAG about my weaknesses. Because in my weaknesses, God's strength and power shines through them all. His grace is enough, and "His power is made perfect" in me! What is this crazy love and grace that I've been given?! Still blows my mind.

To be honest, I don't even know how to close this up. Because this subject of weak, strong, Who to lean on...it's still open and active in my life. I feel as if I can't end this post! As I walk through life, I can't forget this. I can't forget to live by faith, to realize I'm weak and that I need to depend on God for strength. My strength is total weakness. God knows my heart, my hopes, my dreams. I can only pray and ask God to touch them all. 

And then I have to believe that His answers to those prayers, whether it's "yes", "no", or "wait", are what is best for me. I have to expect to see miracles when I depend on Him for strength.

I KNOW HOW TO END THIS POST! With some awesome lyrics from some awesome songs by some awesome musicians! Because I love music and I believe it speaks to the heart and soul. 

As I was writing this, I was listening to my The Rocket Summer playlist and the song "Roses" played. As I listened to the lyrics, I realized that this is how I'm feeling. Amazing how it seems like every song I've been listening to pertains to my life... (^^')

"Roses"

by The Rocket Summer

Can you see the air change? Can you see when a heart breaks?

I know that both do happen. 

But all I want is faith.

Because I can feel this, and so much so I believe it.

But still there is a struggle, 

And all I want is faith.

And I believe I'll move the mountains, I think,

Or maybe I'll drown in the sea.

Keep holding on,

All I got is holding on these roses,

Thorns, keep on digging but my soul believes...please.

So here I breathe, in oxygen I cannot see,

The oxygen that keeps me alive and wary,

Oh yes, I do perceive

That like the birds find provision and sanctuary,

You do this even more so for me,

But all I want is faith.

And I believe I'll move the mountains, I think,

Or maybe I'll drown in the sea.

Keep holding on, 

All I got is holding on these roses,

Thorns, will keep on digging but my soul believes

Places, seasons,

Millions of pieces,

Together and all alone,

Needing, repeating,

Living and bleeding,

Lost in the cohesion.

Stagnant or will I run?

Give up or will I run into arms that are open?

Get rid of all the fear,

I know that you are here.

Keep holding on,

All I got is holding on these roses,

The thorns keep on digging but my soul believes....I see!

And it's reminding me

That the thorns you wear

Is love that we must share.

This next song (also by The Rocket Summer) "Just For a Moment Forget Who You Are" spoke to me as well. It tells about how our lives have their own pieces of who we think we are: where we're from, what we do, our family background, what we feel about ourselves. And all we want to be is great and better than we are. We want to be on the silver screen, on a stage, we want our lives to be something that they aren't already because they hurt or our past hurts. 

SO MANY LINES IN THIS SONG I LOVE:

"You're meant for greatness"

"Keep your eyes open where you roam, Because you never know when your life's about to change"

"Somewhere in this place there is hope"

"All the fear within your world, you can take it..."

"And greatness isn't what you think, it's not being up on that silver screen. It's not convincing people that you don't fall apart, it's just LOVING and SERVING and BEING WHO YOU ARE."

I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH. But then again, I say this about every song I post on here... (^^') Hope this songs touches you as much as it touches me!

"Just For a Moment Forget Who You Are"

by  The Rocket Summer

Coming up no plans

Betty AV, Monahans. Little in a football town

Waiting for some right to come around.

Praying for release

Bottle rockets in the streets.

Never really had a dad, no all that you had was your hope...

Keep your eyes open, where you roam

Because you never know when your life's about to change.

Just for a moment start to forget about the scars

And forget who you think you are

Don't say another word

You're mean for greatness.

The mirror's her nemesis, from insecure accomplices.

And crooked blokes in disguise, messed you up behind your eyes.

Now you're scared to talk, scared to dance.

And sick of cliches about second chances,

But it's time to live or time to fade.

Somewhere in this place there is hope.

Keep your eyes open, where you roam

Because you never know when your life's about to change.

Just for a moment start to forget about the scars

And forget who you think you are

Don't say another word

You're meant for greatness.

Just for a moment start to forget about the scars

And forget who you thin you are

All the fear within your world, you can take it...

And greatness isn't what you think

It's not being up on that silver screen.

It's not convincing people you don't fall apart.

It's just loving and serving and being who you are.

You were made in an image of greatness.

Just for a moment start to forget about the scars

And forget who you think you are.

Don't say another word.

You're meant for greatness.

Just for a moment start to forget about the scars

And forget who you think you are

All the fear within your world, you can take it...

God bless you all! (^^) <3 

Who You Say You Are

This song is AMAZING. It's exactly what I'm feeling right now. Because I do know that God is who He says He is. And that right there should bring me JOY and HOPE. <3

Who You Say You Are

By Britt Nicole

Yeah, yeah.

[Verse 1:]
You know my name.
I know You wrote my story-y-y.
But there are days, I can't see a happy ending.
No, no.

Life get's hard.
Sometimes it just hurts.
It's kicking me down and throwing me curves.
When I feel the rain.
I won't be afraid.

[Chorus:]
'Cause I know, I know, I know You are Who You Say You Are.
Who You Say You Are.
You are the One still standin' when everything is fallin' apart.
Yeah, You got my heart.
I'll still be smilin' when the sky is dark.
'Cause I believe that You are Who You Say You Are.
You're Who You Say You Are.
Yeah, yeah.

[Verse 2:]
I've had control.
But I didn't know where, I was going.
Yeah, yeah.
I went down my road.
But my road just left me broken, yeah yeah.

I see it all now.
I don't know how.
But there's never been a time that You let me down.
Or walked away, so I'm not afraid.

[Chorus:]
'Cause I know, I know, I know You are Who You Say You Are.
Who You Say You Are.
You are the One still standin' when everything is fallin' apart.
Yeah, You got my heart.
I'll still be smilin' when the sky is dark.
'Cause I believe that You are Who You Say You Are.

[Bridge:]
Life's gonna knock me down.
It's not gonna keep me down.
I'm gonna trust You now, in every season.
I know You're here.
I know You're for me.
I know that joy comes in the morning.
God, I believe it now.
God, I believe You now.

You're Who You Say You Are.
When life knocks me down.
I won't stay down.
I'll get back up on my feet now.
You're more than a conqueror.

[Chorus:]
I know, I know, I know You are Who You Say You Are.
Who You Say You Are.
You are the One still standin' when everything is fallin' apart.
Yeah, You got my heart.
I'll still be smilin' when the sky is dark.
'Cause I believe that You are Who You Say You Are.

Who You Say You Are.
Who You Say You Are.
You're Who You Say You Are.
Who You Say You Are.
I know You are, Who You Say You Are.
Who You Say You Are.
You're Who You Say You Are.

Who I'm Singing For

My Christmas Break has been filled of nothing. I mean, I haven't done anything but sleep, eat, watch TV, write, read, have 12-person chats and video hangouts, and play my guitar. I've been even trying to write some songs lately, but I've been really struggling and discouraged about it.

I'm going to be completely honest here: when it comes to writing songs, I feel so much pressure and I don't feel good about myself at all. I've seen so many people at Covenant write their own songs with amazing melodies, harmonies, chords, and lyrics, that I just sit there and wonder how in the world I could be an English major and not be able to spit out creative, catchy lyrics. I've got friends who are already working on their own music pieces, while I sit and continue to play the same Parachute and Katy Perry songs over and over again.

A friend of mine said that sometimes the experiences in our lives are the most creative things to write about in a song that will touch people's hearts. I'd been doing that during the summer, but the song that I came up with seemed good at the time, but when I tried to play it at college, I realized just how crappy the chords I'd chosen were and haven't played it again since.

So tonight, I really did try to take a part of my life and put it into a song. I was writing about my own feelings of helplessness and hopelessness about my dreams. I hadn't really relied on God about them. Sure, I prayed about them, but I knew that I still had so much doubt that my dreams were even worth pursuing. I already had some chords and lyrics written down, and I began to build off of that tonight. 

It felt amazing to actually feel like I was getting somewhere. I felt as if this song really was a part of me, and that my heart and my feelings would be relatable to others. I began to feel a small peace in my heart.

I had an awesome video hangout with my Covenant family, and afterwards I tried working on my song again. I couldn't remember the tune I'd chosen even though I had the chords, and I was getting slightly frustrated because I knew I wasn't singing the song the way I originally had it. My song was progressing, and yet, I felt no progression. What I was singing sounded fake: it was only partially what I felt. The rest of it was just words on the page that rhymed with the words I had originally felt.

I saved my work and put my guitar away, not feeling too thrilled about what I'd just done. I felt defeated, and as my song said, "not good enough." I felt stupid and inferior. 

"You're a freaking English major who has a guitar and you keep telling people that you play and are in the process of writing songs, but you can't do anything," I thought to myself, "everyone else already has themselves together while you're fumbling around, looking like an idiot." 

I hated thinking those thoughts, and I knew in my heart that I shouldn't be thinking about myself like that, but it was too late and I couldn't stop myself. I tore myself down about my writing, my music, my identity.

And, of course, when I feel at my lowest point, I turn to my Bible, my devotions, searching for what God wants to show me. And this is what I read:

When I (Jesus) joined the ranks of humanity, born into the humblest conditions, My Glory was hidden from all but a few people. Occasionally, streaks of Glory shone out of Me, especially when I began to do miracles. Toward the end of My life, I was taunted and tempted to display more of My awesome Power than My Father's plan permitted. I could have called down legions of angels to rescue Me at any point. Imagine the self-control required of a martyr who could free Himself at will! All of this was necessary to provide the relationship with Me that you now enjoy. Let your life become a praise song to Me by proclaiming My glorious Presence in the world.

I read that last sentence and realization smacked me in the face, yet again. Who was I singing and making songs for? Was I making it to impress my friends and the people at my school? Yep, sure was. I wanted to show them that I was just as good at making songs as them. As a result, my songs were shallow and fake. I also remembered that I changed the name of my blog today to what it is now: "Now My Lifesong Sings..."

My Lifesong. Yes, my friend was right about the experiences in our lives being a good way to touch people with songs. And our goal should be to touch people with our songs and bring them to the Saviour. But our songs should be written, played, and sung to reveal God's glory and not our own. I wasn't singing for God at all...I was singing for my friends, my family, for me.

Even as I write this, I am listening to Britt Nicole's album Gold, and I'm refraining from just bawling my eyes out. Because every single song feels as if it's pertaining to what I am feeling right now. That's what I want. I want to write songs that will touch people just like that. But my flesh is incapable of doing that. I have to depend on God to be my voice, my lyrics, my chords on the guitar, my everything. I am weak, He is strong.

I took this picture of myself and my HOPE bracelet tonight. And even though I wear it everyday, I realize how much I need a reminder to even look at it and remember what it represents. It represents the hope that I have in Jesus, my Lord and Savior, the only One who truly understands my heart. He knows my struggles that I face, the struggles of wanting to be like my friends, to please everyone, and to please my flesh. Not only have I been struggling with some inner conflicts, but some friends of mine have also been going through some things. The devil has definitely been trying to bring us all down these days, and I'm praying that God will strengthen each one of us and remind us of the hope that we have in Him.

In those moments when my heart is in despair, I have to remember that there's always the HOPE I have in Jesus. <3

I'm tired of writing, singing and playing the guitar for this world. I want to produce music and writings that shine God's glory to this world. I want to sing to Him and not care what the people of this world think. As long as what I'm writing and singing points to Jesus, that's all that matters. I want a heart that doesn't care what anyone in this world thinks, whether it be my family or friends. 

Because they're not Who I'm singing for...

Don't Speak, Leave It There, Turn It Off, Walk Away

I told someone that I'd pray for them the other day because they were dealing with some temptations, and to be honest, when I said that, I felt as if I didn't have any temptations of my own that needed to be dealt with. Boy, did the Lord really open my eyes later that day. 

I had brought four books that I was planning on finishing before Christmas break, and I picked up one that I had been trying to finish over the summer, but babysitting 3.5 year olds really doesn't give one time to read. I was frustrated because I couldn't remember what happened when I last read the book, so I flipped through the pages, trying to get a summary of the events of the last few chapters.

But as I read, I realized that what I had been reading this past summer was not good. Some of the content wasn't the greatest. Sure, some people wouldn't have minded the profane language or the sketchy scenes being described. As I reread it, I felt filthy and disgusted at myself. How could I have read this over the summer and just turn my head and cough? Where exactly was my heart and mind this summer if I didn't feel this guilty about reading all of this?

I dropped the book and walked away, the guilt weighing down in my chest and stomach. I was torn between two parts of myself: 

1. The Bookworm Me: The book was the biggest book I owned, and the story line was interesting. I wanted to see what happened at the end and accomplish the feat of reading such a large book, especially from such a famous author.
2. The Christian Me: But...did I really want to continue reading this book, knowing what I'd just read and unaware of exactly how many more scenes there would be and how many more profane words would be used? The Holy Spirit in my quivered and shook at the thought of returning to those pages.

I decided to wait out my decision until later...and that's when I read what a friend of mine posted on Facebook:

"Temptation can come in many forms. It can be a girl, a knife, certain friends, a computer. Whatever it may be learn to turn away from it whether it may be not talking to someone, leaving knifes at home or finding a different group of people."

As soon as I read that, I realized that my thoughts after reading that book had not been the purest. I knew exactly what I needed to do. I couldn't pick that book up again. I couldn't finish it. No matter how much the bookworm in me was screaming inside of me to finish it, my soul knew that it couldn't handle it. 

I texted my friend afterwards and thanked him for his post. It really did encourage me and gave me some insight on my own life. And then I asked him to pray for me. On a side note: Family...always having each others' backs no matter what... :) <3 LOVE. TRUST. ENCOURAGEMENT. SO BLESSED.

There are all sorts of temptations out in the world. But, like my friend here said, we have to learn how to say "no," how to leave something at home, when to stop speaking to certain people, how to turn something off, how to walk away. The most important thing about temptation is how we react to it. Do we give in and embrace what we've done or feel guilty about it, but then do nothing to prevent it from happening again? Or do we ask God to give us the strength and wisdom to deal with the temptation? Of course, we're all fallen, so we're going to mess up. But we can still lessen those mistakes.

Jesus was tempted in the wilderness, and he used Scripture against the devil. This is a practice that I fail at doing. When I'm tempted, I don't run and grab my Bible. I do pray, though, and weigh my options out. But I need to realize that I don't have the strength to deal with this temptation. My flesh is weak and fallen and sinful.

But the Holy Spirit within me is able to withstand. 

"The only temptation that has come to you is that which everyone has. But you can trust God, who will not permit you to be tempted more than you can stand. But when you are tempted, He will also give you a way to escape so that you will be able to stand it." - 1 Corinthians 10:13 (NCV)

God knows our hearts. He knows what we struggle with everyday, and He won't give us something we can't handle. Isn't that encouraging? Knowing that God has allowed you to be tempted because He knows you an handle it...it's kind of incredible.

Through all of this, I have to remember:

Pray. Ask God to give you the wisdom and strength to deal with the temptation. And know when to stop speaking, leave something there, turn something off, and walk away. <3

Down with the Sickness...

Back on Lookout Mountain!!! :) :) :)

So glad that the trip went smoothly and quickly! I slept the whole way sooooo that's probably why... (^^')

Anyways, so sickness is just going around the family right now. I was sick with a cold during finals week, so I'm completely over it by now. Grandpa got sick over the weekend after finals. My aunt and her family have been passing the common cold around, and my little sister Annabelle just got diagnosed with the flu and was unable to ride up to the mountain with us. She's very disappointed that she can't see her cousins and my poor parents don't know how they're supposed to have their "no-kids-allowed" vacation this week. :( I'm praying it all works out though.

So, everyone is down with the sickness, and the sister closest to me(Kae'sha) is FREAKING OUT and is praying that she doesn't get sick...we'll see...

But there's also been another type of sickness that seems to be on my heart lately...self-worth, and self-esteem sickness, I guess you could call it.

A friend has recently been on my heart, and they've been struggling with what's going to happen to them in their future, career-wise. And, to be honest, I've wondered about that too. I'm majoring in English because I love to write and read, and literature in general just fascinates me. But recently, the music in me has escaped, and I've been picking up my acoustic everyday and playing and singing for an hour, sometimes an hour-and-a-half. Not to mention, I just finished taking Intro. to Art this semester, and making art through painting and picture collages and stuff is just totally awesome to me too!

So...what do I want to do with my life again? Haha, yeah, I'm confused too.

I know God has a plan for my life and for my friend's life too, but it's so hard not to wonder and worry about it. I mean, I have to have a job after I graduate! I can't live on the streets! And surely my parents would not appreciate me living in their house for the rest of my life. 

Jeremiah 29:11. The most popular go-to verse for this type of situation. "For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (NIV)

God knows my and my friend's passions and my dreams, and He also knows our fears and worries about those passions and dreams. He knows what our futures look like, and I have complete confidence that if we trust in Him, His Wills and Plans for our lives will be greater than we could ever hope or dream of.

Starting today, I am going to pray that this self-worth, self-esteem, future-concerned sickness in myself and in my friends and family will vanish because of the hope we have in Jesus Christ our Savior, the One who knows us inside and out and Who knows our past, present, and future. 

No more being down with the sickness...time to be encouraged with the hope we have. ♥ (^^) ♥

12-person Chats, Google Plus Hangouts, Hedgehogs...

CHRISTMAS BREAK!!! (^^) DAY #3:

Yes. I have survived my first semester as a freshman at Covenant College. How I got through it was by God's grace alone because I know there were times when I stayed up too late talking and goofing off...
went to one too many dance parties...
went off the mountain to Walmart and Coolidge Park when I should've been sleeping...
drank way too many cups of coffee...
and did numerous things that could have waited until my homework was done.

 And seeing my grades so far has truly helped me see that God is good.

Yes, He is good. And faithful too.

Now, I'm back home for the first time in, like, 5 MONTHS. (O.O) Craziness and UH-MAZINGNESS! I got to hangout with Bria and Karen at the mall AND in downtown Savannah (a place that I always dreaded going to, but have now fallen in love with because I realize how awesome it is and how much I miss it). It was a really fun time, a great breather from the hectic semester I've survived.

I ended up at Bria's house after leaving downtown Savannah, and I checked my Facebook...

Sure enough, there were over 40 messages in my little inbox from the 12-person chat Jess started today. Our little "Coon Cult" or, as the chat is now called "Christmas Unicorn Cult" (thanks to Jonathan) is one huge blessing that God has placed in my life. They are a bright light that shines when the darkness of everyday life creeps in. 

And I miss them with every fiber of my being. 

We all decided to get Google Plus accounts so we could have a "hangout" and video chat to actually see each others' faces and hear each others voices. It was magical. Yes, magical. As we all sat in our own homes in different parts of the country (Delaware, Kansas, South Carolina, Georgia, North Carolina), we talked about what we usually talked about: random things. And we laughed, and stalked each others Facebook profiles.

Magic. (Haha, and as I type the word "magic," I can only think of Marinah and Michael... :) )

Don't get me wrong: I love my family. I love Mom, Pa, and Grandpa. I love my sisters, Kae'sha and Annabelle. I love being in the house I grew up in, sleeping in my own bed, eating Mom's homecooked food....

But that second family at college, that group of people who I've been encouraged by, had fun times with, shared inside jokes with, etc. for the past month-and-a-half...there's just something special about it. And being able to talk to them face-to-face (sorta) about things like HEDGEHOGS...that was special. 

I miss them so much, and I thank God everyday that each and every one of them is in my life. They have a special place in my heart. They are my ULTIMATE HAPPY FACE. (^^) (^^) (^^)

Until tomorrow on a Google Plus hangout, y'all. (^^) ♥

True Illumination

"You are the light that gives light to the world. A city that is built on a hill cannot be hidden. And people don't hide a light under a bowl. They put it on a lampstand so the light shines for all the people in the house. In the same way, you should be a light for other people. Live so that they will see the good things you do and will praise your Father in heaven." - Matthew 5:14-16 (NCV)

These are my life verses. In high school, I realized how much Jesus' Light shines through Christians, and I knew that my duty was to shine that Light in this dark world we live in. I had been so rebellious, so hurt and broken before I truly gave my life to the Lord during my freshman year of high school. I had claimed to be a Christian, when in reality, I was being a hypocrite and all the while, leading those who did not know Jesus astray. To this day, I regret the things I did, but that was then. And this is now.

I had gone through all my high school years, saying that Matthew 5:16 was my life verse and doing the things I knew were right: reading the Bible, praying, having a close group of Christian friends (accountability partners) and trying hard not to conform to this world. All of those things are great, and I really did grow during my high school years. God had taught me so many things, such as trust and patience.

But now, I'm in college, and I am still relearning the lessons that I learned in high school, only in different situations and different aspects. God is revealing SO MUCH MORE through my first semester of college as I experience living with a roommate, making new friends, keeping old ones, balancing social and school life, and doing the things I enjoy doing.

I thought I knew what true illumination was in high school, but now that I look back, I see that I kind of kept that Light to myself and to my close friends. In high school, I was concerned for others, but it wasn't until I came to college that I realized how much people rely on other people. I began to be there for people who weren't my closest friends, and because of this they became my closest friends.

A close friend of mine pointed out that encouraging others and being there for them was my spiritual gift, and for the first time, I realized how encouraging I had been to people in college, and even in my high school years. I was determined to continue this, not to draw attention to myself, but because I truly did care about people and I wanted to show Jesus' love through me. If someone stays up until 4am, worried about something and needing someone to talk to, I don't want them to just lose sleep over something. I have told my friends that if they need something, I don't care what time it is or where I am, I will be there. If they need prayer, they can text me and I will meet them somewhere and pray for them.

True illumination does begin with Jesus coming into your heart. But it grows as you share that Light with others. Like the verse above says, "...a city on a hill cannot be hidden. And people don't hide a light under a bowl. They put it on a lampstand so the light shines for all the people in the house." Shining the Light of Jesus to this dark world we live in is what we as Christians are called to do. 

And so as I continually write in this blog about the numerous ways God's Light has been revealed to me and how I have revealed His Light to this world, I pray that you are touched and blessed by the words written here. I appreciate your comments, questions, concerns, prayers, and, if you feel comfortable sharing, you can share any prayer requests you have and I will be glad to pray for you! 

God bless you all!