Who I'm Singing For

My Christmas Break has been filled of nothing. I mean, I haven't done anything but sleep, eat, watch TV, write, read, have 12-person chats and video hangouts, and play my guitar. I've been even trying to write some songs lately, but I've been really struggling and discouraged about it.

I'm going to be completely honest here: when it comes to writing songs, I feel so much pressure and I don't feel good about myself at all. I've seen so many people at Covenant write their own songs with amazing melodies, harmonies, chords, and lyrics, that I just sit there and wonder how in the world I could be an English major and not be able to spit out creative, catchy lyrics. I've got friends who are already working on their own music pieces, while I sit and continue to play the same Parachute and Katy Perry songs over and over again.

A friend of mine said that sometimes the experiences in our lives are the most creative things to write about in a song that will touch people's hearts. I'd been doing that during the summer, but the song that I came up with seemed good at the time, but when I tried to play it at college, I realized just how crappy the chords I'd chosen were and haven't played it again since.

So tonight, I really did try to take a part of my life and put it into a song. I was writing about my own feelings of helplessness and hopelessness about my dreams. I hadn't really relied on God about them. Sure, I prayed about them, but I knew that I still had so much doubt that my dreams were even worth pursuing. I already had some chords and lyrics written down, and I began to build off of that tonight. 

It felt amazing to actually feel like I was getting somewhere. I felt as if this song really was a part of me, and that my heart and my feelings would be relatable to others. I began to feel a small peace in my heart.

I had an awesome video hangout with my Covenant family, and afterwards I tried working on my song again. I couldn't remember the tune I'd chosen even though I had the chords, and I was getting slightly frustrated because I knew I wasn't singing the song the way I originally had it. My song was progressing, and yet, I felt no progression. What I was singing sounded fake: it was only partially what I felt. The rest of it was just words on the page that rhymed with the words I had originally felt.

I saved my work and put my guitar away, not feeling too thrilled about what I'd just done. I felt defeated, and as my song said, "not good enough." I felt stupid and inferior. 

"You're a freaking English major who has a guitar and you keep telling people that you play and are in the process of writing songs, but you can't do anything," I thought to myself, "everyone else already has themselves together while you're fumbling around, looking like an idiot." 

I hated thinking those thoughts, and I knew in my heart that I shouldn't be thinking about myself like that, but it was too late and I couldn't stop myself. I tore myself down about my writing, my music, my identity.

And, of course, when I feel at my lowest point, I turn to my Bible, my devotions, searching for what God wants to show me. And this is what I read:

When I (Jesus) joined the ranks of humanity, born into the humblest conditions, My Glory was hidden from all but a few people. Occasionally, streaks of Glory shone out of Me, especially when I began to do miracles. Toward the end of My life, I was taunted and tempted to display more of My awesome Power than My Father's plan permitted. I could have called down legions of angels to rescue Me at any point. Imagine the self-control required of a martyr who could free Himself at will! All of this was necessary to provide the relationship with Me that you now enjoy. Let your life become a praise song to Me by proclaiming My glorious Presence in the world.

I read that last sentence and realization smacked me in the face, yet again. Who was I singing and making songs for? Was I making it to impress my friends and the people at my school? Yep, sure was. I wanted to show them that I was just as good at making songs as them. As a result, my songs were shallow and fake. I also remembered that I changed the name of my blog today to what it is now: "Now My Lifesong Sings..."

My Lifesong. Yes, my friend was right about the experiences in our lives being a good way to touch people with songs. And our goal should be to touch people with our songs and bring them to the Saviour. But our songs should be written, played, and sung to reveal God's glory and not our own. I wasn't singing for God at all...I was singing for my friends, my family, for me.

Even as I write this, I am listening to Britt Nicole's album Gold, and I'm refraining from just bawling my eyes out. Because every single song feels as if it's pertaining to what I am feeling right now. That's what I want. I want to write songs that will touch people just like that. But my flesh is incapable of doing that. I have to depend on God to be my voice, my lyrics, my chords on the guitar, my everything. I am weak, He is strong.

I took this picture of myself and my HOPE bracelet tonight. And even though I wear it everyday, I realize how much I need a reminder to even look at it and remember what it represents. It represents the hope that I have in Jesus, my Lord and Savior, the only One who truly understands my heart. He knows my struggles that I face, the struggles of wanting to be like my friends, to please everyone, and to please my flesh. Not only have I been struggling with some inner conflicts, but some friends of mine have also been going through some things. The devil has definitely been trying to bring us all down these days, and I'm praying that God will strengthen each one of us and remind us of the hope that we have in Him.

In those moments when my heart is in despair, I have to remember that there's always the HOPE I have in Jesus. <3

I'm tired of writing, singing and playing the guitar for this world. I want to produce music and writings that shine God's glory to this world. I want to sing to Him and not care what the people of this world think. As long as what I'm writing and singing points to Jesus, that's all that matters. I want a heart that doesn't care what anyone in this world thinks, whether it be my family or friends. 

Because they're not Who I'm singing for...