Tuesday, October 28, 2014

My Purpose as an English Major, Writer, Blogger

Hey y'all.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about who I am, mostly as an English major and writer, and honestly, it's been very discouraging. I've felt kind of out of place within my major when it comes to literature classes and even writing classes.

I'm currently in a Shakespeare class that makes me feel inferior to my classmates because I can't grasp concepts within the plays we read. I know that you're placed in a class to learn things you don't know, but it's hard to listen to other English majors understand themes and such within plays while I float around and wonder, How in the world did they notice those things?

And even though I'm not taking any writing classes, I've just been wondering about the way I write for academic papers, for fun, and even for this blog. I'm following a lot of passionate, well-versed writers on Twitter, and am in AWE of how well they can communicate their thoughts through poetry, prose, and other projects they're working so diligently on.

The comparison game sucks, I've said this before, but I can't help but compare my blog and my writings to those who are able to write something every day or work on major writing projects. I feel so behind in my writing game, and I feel like blogging about my life isn't offering anything to anyone out there. I sat and thought, Who wants to sit and read about my life when they can just go out and live their own? What makes me think that people will want to read this? What do I offer in writing my own story?

Thinking about these things is hard, and I've had to delve into the truth of why I do what I do. Why do I blog? Why do I want to write for the rest of my life?

I'm realizing more and more that I am interested in other people's stories and lives. That it intrigues me how vastly different my life can be from their's, despite small similarities or common interests. I find that I learn so much more through listening to someone's life story. 

And maybe that's why I blog about my life. Because there are things within my life, whether they be mistakes or amazing life-changing events, that someone else out there can relate to. Maybe they haven't gone through it personally, but they may have a friend who has or maybe they're in a similar situation, and reading what I have to say comforts them in knowing they aren't the only one going through something.

Maybe I blog to be a testimony. To show others out there the struggles of a young Christian woman, who doesn't have it all figured out, who struggles with many things (sometimes the same things repeatedly), and who is desperately reaching out for Jesus to take hold of her life completely. 

I tore myself and my blog apart (figuratively, not literally) because I felt like I wasn't offering anything to people, like I wasn't rallying a movement for people to follow their dreams or to get them to feel loved or encouraged. 

But ya know, my blog is what I make it. At this point in my life, being a junior in college and trying to balance my studies, work, and social life takes a lot of time and effort. I definitely try to blog when I can, especially when something has been placed on my heart to write.

But this is where God has me right now. Sure, right now I may not have time or even resources to promote my blog, to make it more appealing to the eye, to make it something more to my readers. But it's what I've been given, what I've created, what I've held onto since my freshman year of college. And I am going to be grateful for it, no matter how insignificant I feel this blog is.

Because I really don't know how it's been affecting people. All I see are numbers and stats. I don't see the changing of people's hearts, the smiles on their faces. 

My purpose isn't to be one of the best writers, English majors, or bloggers. It isn't to prove anything to anyone or to even get numerous compliments or hits on my posts. It's to use what I've been given by my Heavenly Father - the gift of writing - to express my life and the world and people around me to bring them closer to Him.

It's not about me and what I can write or say or do to my blog to make it more appealing or more professional. But it's about using what I have to bring glory to God.

And so, this is the space. These are the things God has given me to work with.

And without playing the comparison game, getting discouraged, or depending on myself, I will write.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Fall Break

I'm sitting in my dorm room, trying to put some music on my phone so I can make some space (storage probz, it's a struggle!) I'm also listening to some great KPOP music I hadn't heard in a while (like Royal Pirates. Aww man, I've missed them so much! Reminds me of spring semester of sophomore year!)

Hopefully, after this I can get some other work done...like homework.

I'm not going to say that I haven't been productive. I mean, I've watched some movies we've been meaning to watch for weeks, and I've been doing some great relaxing. I have started on my homework a little bit, and while I'm waiting on Bria to get ready, I'm trying to do what I can while I'm on campus.

So, I returned some work keys that I should have returned before the summer was over and I found my lost pea coat (an essential for this fall weather coming in). And now, I'm blogging and I'll probably look at some internships while I'm at it. I do need to go to my grandparent's house today though, so I can feed the cats I'm pet-sitting over the break and get some homework done so we can possibly go thrifting today.

Honestly, I'm pretty positive that I won't get all the things I wanted to get done on fall break done. I thought four days would be enough time, but I'm starting to see the time slip away. 

But I just wanted to write in here to let you all know that I'm still alive haha. This semester is flying by so quickly! October is more than halfway over, and before I know it Thanksgiving break will be here. SO CRAZY.

Also, I wanted to let y'all know that Bria and I have an idea that we're thinking about putting into action soon. We may have to wait until next semester so we could work things out during our Christmas break, but I'm hoping maybe we can get this idea going before then. We'll see. But I'm asking that you pray for us as we try to work this thing out. 

I hope those of you on fall break are having a relaxing time! And if you're in school or work today, I pray the Lord gives you strength and motivation to do your best in whatever you've got going on today!

Love you all! I'll be here again, hopefully sooner than Thanksgiving break!

luv ya!
Mishy (^^)

Monday, October 6, 2014

My Mission

"Humans need a mission that is BIGGER than us."

The quote above was said by my pastor two weeks ago after he had shown us this beautiful video he'd watched from his Facebook feed. The video portrayed a young Asian boy stealing from a pharmacy to have medicine for his sick mother. As the pharmacist threw the boy out and yelled at him, the man who owned a small restaurant across the street went over to them and paid the pharmacist the amount for the medicine the boy had stolen. He also asked his daughter to put some soup in a Styrofoam cup ,and he gave it to the boy, who ran away without saying even a thank you. 

Skip 30 years later...

The same man and his daughter are still working in their family owned restaurant, and the man is still giving food to the people who are in need. Suddenly, he has a heart attack and is placed in the hospital. His daughter is given the bills, and she is afraid she'll have to sell the restaurant her family has owned for years.

When she goes to visit her father, she receives a letter, and the letter explains that all of the hospital bills have been taken care of because of some medicine and a cup of soup given thirty years ago. The doctor was that little boy, thirty years ago.

Really heart-warming, right?

Pastor Ritchie explained that after watching that, we all feel like we need to get out there and do something. We all want a mission for our life. But that mission needs to be bigger than us.

When I heard the quote above, I began to think about my own life. Honestly, I've been feeling really comfortable with where I am. Sure, there are still difficulties in life, but there hasn't been anything that has shattered my world. And so, I'm comfy. I get up every day, go to my classes and work shifts, do my homework, have some "me time", go to Zumba or some other event that's scheduled, take a shower and go to bed. 

It's been a busy, but great few first weeks of my junior year in college, but despite my comfort, I feel so empty. And I've realized that it's because my mission is limited to myself. I do all I do in a day to survive so I can get to the next day, the next weekend, the next week. Not once have I stopped and thought, "Today, everything I'm going to do is going to be for God, and not for myself and my own comfort."

After talking with Bria, I am convinced that I need to challenge myself daily to do all I do that day to glorify God. Whether it's sitting in class and giving my full attention, listening instead of speaking when a friend needs to talk, or reading my shelves in the library, my main mission is to do all that I can to glorify God with what He's blessed me with. And that's is SO MUCH.

Also two weeks ago, our chaplain spoke a message that I definitely needed to hear.

Notice that there is something crucial missing in my list of things that I do during my day: spending time with the Lord. I know it's an important part of my life, but I always have that excuse: "I'm so busy."

Chaplain Lowe spoke today on us being sheep and Jesus being the shepherd, which most Christians have read in the Bible or heard in a sermon before. But what he said was so true, and it opened my eyes to a different perspective. We were reminded that, yes, we are to follow Jesus, our Shepherd, our Savior when He calls. But when He calls, do we listen? Do we know what the voice of our Savior sounds like?

Now, obviously, we cannot physically hear His voice, but even when we are making decisions and going about our day, can we hear Him? Chaplain Lowe said that the only way we can know His voice is if we know Him. And the only way you get to know someone is to spend time with them.

His message convicted me so much. One quote that struck me was this: "We cannot follow Him, if we do not know Him."

And I sat there in my desk (because we were in chapel overflow then in a classroom), asking myself, "Do I really know God? I haven't been spending time with Him every day, in fact, it's been a while. And even when I do spend time with Him, I feel like I haven't been fully paying attention. How am I supposed to know what His voice sounds like and know where He is leading me?"

Such deep questions I need to continue to ask myself on a daily basis. Lately, when I've been reading my Bible, I feel like I'm not getting anything out of it. Not that every time we read our Bible we should have some strong revelation or conviction, but I felt like I couldn't hear the Holy Spirit speaking to me. And it isn't God's fault, it's mine. My head has been so clouded with things I need to do, things I want to do, thoughts surrounding people and events and other things. I have truly not been focused on the Word at all. And that scares me so much.

I want to get back to where my focus was on what I needed to be focusing on. I feel like I've strayed so far from the voice of God that it isn't even a whisper to me anymore. And so, on top of dedicating my days to living them for the Lord and not for myself, I am wanting to just sit in silence with no distractions (phone, school work, etc.), and I just want to read my Bible and focus on God. Because He is worth the time I have. I should be excited to get to know my Heavenly Father more. And yet I see reading my Bible as some type of chore or as a thing I do very first thing in the morning at breakfast because it's what I'm supposed to be doing.

It shouldn't be a forced thing.

I want to get to know God so that I can know His voice, so when He calls me to do something I will do it and I will do it for His glory and not for my own personal gain here on earth. 

My mission is going to be bigger than me. And I challenge you to have a mission that is bigger than you!