And, yes, that's a BIG DEAL!!!!!
*****(to clarify, it's been about a weeks since finals ended and I packed all my stuff and headed to my grandparents' house for Christmas break!)
I can't even begin to explain what a struggle this past semester has been for me academically, socially, and spiritually. It's by God's grace alone that I can stand here and, somewhat, hold my head up high.
I say "somewhat" because I'm not proud of the way things went this semester. Sometimes the things I said and did were just not like me, and despite my plans to be disciplined this semester, there were times I chose to procrastinate instead of do what I needed to. I can say this: circumstances that happened during the summer time and even things during the semester have definitely changed me and the way I view things and people.
Nothing TRAGIC happened, but events effected me and my thinking, even though I didn't want them to. The people, atmosphere, and circumstances began to change around me, and as a result, I became hard-hearted to a certain degree. Even if I was having a good day, it wasn't even a straight-up good day...it was a somewhat good day. Most of the time I could constantly feel a rain cloud hovering over me. Even if I got an A in a test, something socially would bring me down.
I was in a sad state. I hate to admit that I spent three-and-a-half months like this, but I did. And how could I stay like this for so long? Well, like I said, things changing around me sort of helped me stay like this. One thing I don't really like is change, but I know I have to, well, change that. Because things are always going to change.
Lately, I've been trying to get used to the fact that sometimes, traditions can't always happen every year. Sometimes, things change: the weather is too hot/rainy, people move away and are unable to travel to where you normally see one another, etc. So, I'm getting there.
So, things changing aided me into my little "rain cloud state." But that wasn't the only thing. My broken prayer life really effected the way I thought and the decisions I made. Because I didn't tell my friends anything regarding some things that were happening in my life my freshman year of college, I felt that I always had to tell them what was up and always ask for their advice about practically everything.
Which resulted in many different opinions being thrown at me, and I had no clue who I should listen to. So, I would choose one of my friends' opinions, put my own little twist on it, and did whatever I had to do or say whatever I had to say. And this caused me more stress, increasing the rain cloud state. Because, yes, now I was hearing what my friends had to say, but all of the options weren't what I would normally do, and I wanted to do what I thought was right, but also listen and do what my friends thought was right as well.
The BIGGEST mistake involved in all this is that I didn't pray as much as I used to. I mean, I was getting enough advice, right? With my thoughts plus my friends' opinions, that's enough for me to make the right decisions, right?
WRONG.
If you don't get anything else from this post, remember this: A HEALTHY PRAYER LIFE IS IMPORTANT!!! Looking back and seeing how my broken prayer life effected the way I lived, I can only shake my head at how stupid I'd been all semester. It is truly humbling to sit there and see, so clearly, a mistake like that. Because I didn't figure that out, but God revealed to me my mistakes from this past semester.
After this being revealed to me, I burst into tears, and wondered just why God, despite all of my failures this semester and ignoring Him a lot of the time, would graciously show me my mistakes and forgive me of them? I mean, wasn't it just last year I was telling you all to trust God, no matter what, even when things get hard?
Bria and I talked about things and she made a good point: if it was that easy to trust God, we wouldn't need Him to help us with anything. Trusting Him with everything, all the time is a battle, one that is not easily won. And it takes constant prayer and Bible-reading to strengthen my faith and trust in Him.
So, even though this is a TOTAL GIVEN, I have learned that I am NOT AND NEVER WILL BE perfect, that there will never be a day when I wake up and say, "I FULLY TRUST GOD AND I WILL NEVER STRUGGLE WITH THIS EVER AGAIN! I HAVE REACHED THE END OF THIS BATTLE!"
Psh. Yeah, right. The day that happens is the day when Jesus makes all things NEW. And I have to remind myself of that. But until then, I have to continue to communicate with God and spend time with Him in order for my trust to grow.
In some ways, I wish that I hadn't gone through this past semester so roughly, but in other ways, I am happy that I did because I've learned and grown so much. It's also sort of a good thing that this semester was so hard for me, because the hardest challenges don't come to those who are weak. They are presented to those who are strong in the Lord. Otherwise, our faith wouldn't be tested and we wouldn't be pushed to grow even more than we think we've grown.
So, yes. Rough semester, tons of lessons learned, lots of growth. Super thankful for it all though!!! :)
And now CHRISTMAS BREAK!!! :D Three weeks of not doing anything!!!! Lately I've been reading, playing computer games, writing, listening to music, and getting acquainted with my new phone. I had a great day with my stepdad yesterday, just driving around to different places, eating, and shopping a little bit.
Take this time to relax and recover from school and to spend some good time with your family! :) Time goes by so fast and, before you know it, school will be starting back up again!
Today, my plan is to do the following: play my Nancy Drew game, read, do a little of my Wreck This Journal that I got for Christmas, write a blog post, connect my email to my new phone, text some friends and see how their Christmases went, and stay in yoga pants and a hoodie all day.
So far, I've done 5 of those things. Time to do the rest before the day is done!
luv ya!
*~.Mishy.~* (^^) <3
