My frustrations have been constantly whirring in my head as I try to focus on studying for my Spanish final. I can't get a B on this one. I need an A. God knows how badly I need an A.
There's been so much truth spoken to me about this situation.
"It's going to be okay."
"You can do it."
"Don't let this get you down."
"I'm not upset about it. I don't give a crap about it. You're the one who's really upset. Don't worry about it and don't give up."
"You've grown into such an amazing lady. Don't let this stop you from blossoming."
"If God wants you to stay here, then He's going to have a way for you to stay here."
"Yeah, if God wants you here, then you'll stay here. If not, then you wouldn't want to be here since it's not His will."
So many truths in one day. I know I should listen to all of them, but it's so hard for me to let go of my anger and frustration at myself. This whole thing makes me feel like I wasn't good enough, didn't try hard enough, or made mistakes along the way that I could've avoided.
But now, it's too late. I can't do anything to change what's already happened. I can only concern myself with what will happen in the future.
As I sat in my room, my heart still stirring about what will happen in the future, Jeremy Camp's album Reckless is playing in the background. My eyes scan over my laptop screen, my stomach cringing at the numbers and letters I'm seeing. Final Grade. Attempted. Earned. GPA. I even go back and look at my past achievements in these areas...or as my mind would call them, un-achievements, since it looks as if I didn't do what I could.
Suddenly, Jeremy Camp sings "My life's Yours, it is not mine.."
And that's when I started typing this. Do I still feel my stomach churning, my heart sinking, my eyes sore from all the tears that have been poured out already? Of course I do.
But even through all of my worries and struggles and pain, I need to remember that my life is not mine. I am not here on this earth to live for myself. In fact, the only reason why I can do any good on this earth is because I have the Holy Spirit within me. Without Him, I am unable to give God the glory for allowing His Grace and Mercy to permeate my life.
And my family and friends are right. I shouldn't let this defeat me. I'm still in this fight, and I'm going to give it all I've got. God has given me these last opportunities to do my best, and I'm going to take them.
God will provide a way if it is His will that I stay where I'm at. And if God doesn't want me where I am right now and He takes me away somewhere else, so be it. Because that is His will, and it's what's best for my life. I shouldn't be worried about that. I want the best that God has for me!
My life is His. It isn't mine. And I'm going to continue holding my Father's hand as I finish this week off and wait patiently for what He does. And what happens, happens. And I will praise and glorify God no matter what. For He is always good. He doesn't seek to harm or hurt me. He wants what is best for me. And I trust that it will happen.
Here's another one of Jeremy Camp's songs that just really encouraged me and reminded me who my God is. <3
"My God"
by Jeremy Camp
Verse 1: All of who You are, reaches the darkest parts
Lifting the weight and erasing the scars that had a hold on me
Here I am, bearing all, tearing down every wall
So amazed by Your grace, and the way You're still holding me
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
CHORUS: My God, You are, the unchanging Love
My God, Your heart, send hope from above.
The Great Creator, Beautiful Savior
I've been redeemed.
There is life now from Your victory.
You are my God (You are my God)
Verse 2: There is no other one, who's given a greater love
Laying aside His own life on the cross
Reaching out to us
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
CHORUS
Bridge: When my hope starts fading out
You are where my strength is found
I know I won't be alone
My God, You are a beautiful love
My God, You are a beautiful love
My God, You are a beautiful love
My God, you are a beautiful love
I just heard another Jeremy Camp song that just really reflected my willing heart to not make a move without my Abba Father by my side. So good.
"Without You"
by Jeremy Camp
Verse 1: I'll walk beside You
As You lead me through still waters for my soul
I place my hope in all You are, yeah
And i know You'll guide me
To places where there's beauty to behold
There's no other place I'd rather be, no.
Cause I've been down the other road
Where fear and doubt
They take control
And I won't go there anymore.
CHORUS: And I won't make a move, without You, whoa
I won't make a move, without You, right by my side
So I will wait for You, to lead me to,
Any place where You need
I won't make a move, without You.
Without You.
Verse 2: I've walked through the fire
And every step You never left my side
In You is where my help comes from, yeah
Cause You lead, I'll follow
No matter if the place it seems so cold
My heart's desire is You Lord, yeah
And I've been down the other road,
Where fear and doubt
They take control
And I won't go there anymore
CHORUS
Bridge: And I'm letting go
I give You control
It's not my will
But Yours I'll follow
And I lay my life
Down at Your feet
And I know...
CHORUS
Take my heart, it's Yours
Your hand, I'll hold
You lead, I'll go
And I won't make a move, no.
So amazing how our exact thoughts and feelings can be expressed through music.
Love y'all
(^^) <3
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